To face death and life alone
Haunted by the face that was once one of our own.
Now, a disembodied cry hangs stranded—
Afloat on the howling wind,
No anchor to plant us amidst our growing strife,
No touch to give us feeling,
No breath to give us life.

Dad and I kept in touch a couple of times a year. I continued taking my obligatory visits to Austin every summer. But those visits were awkward. Like trying to catch up with someone that you never knew in the first place. My entire world was in Little Rock. My best friends, my little league baseball team—the Coyotes, my neighborhood pool, and the Putt-Putt golf course where I played video games every Saturday. How do you possibly share that with someone in a week?

Although I didn’t see him much, I never hated my dad, nor carried any hostility towards him. It’s not like I was bitter or angry. I wasn’t. I always liked being around him. But seeing him only once a year formed a callousness in me. His ongoing absence created a practiced indifference. Dad simply became a nonentity.

At t-ball games I secretly wished that he would show up and be proud. I wanted him to see me in my blue Coyotes uniform. But he missed my first game—and every game after that. He missed me riding a bike for the first time when I was five. He missed me when I split my head open on a brick and needed stitches. He missed me singing “Do Re Mi” in the school play. He missed the first bass that I caught in Lake Conway. He missed the book on planets that I wrote, illustrated and published in the Terry elementary school library. He missed my childhood altogether.

Although dad may be gone, the ghost of his influence faithfully remains. Like a graying apparition dancing along the edges of our vision. An unfocused image blurred by waking eyes that still hold the sleep of dawn.

“Dad is watching us,” we think, “and we must make him proud.” So we live our lives trying to prove ourselves to him. We chase after the corporate executive position. Push ourselves to be a better golfer. Drive the Jaguar. Live in the suburban sprawl. We strain ourselves for the more and the bigger. We will measure up, even if it kills us. We still think about dad at major life intersections, or after another accomplishment. We want his validation in those moments. We look to him in his presence and his absence wondering what would please him, what would make him proud.

Or we are hell-bent on never making him proud.

No matter who we turn out to be, we swear to be nothing like him. He is our most-hated and feared enemy. He is our dark shadow, our doppelganger. Not only do we reject him fully, we reject whatever vision we think he had for our lives, running at break-neck speed in the opposite direction. Our vengeance on him festers from our rejection of him and everything he stands for. So we carpetbomb his memory with hate and indifference, trying to forget him altogether.

Dad is gone. In our anger, we convince ourselves that we will never live for his ghost. But without realizing, we allow it to drive us all the same. The ghost reminds us who not to be, which defines the framework of who we are to be. Our identity is shaped by our defiance.

(Excerpt from John Sowers’ book Fatherless Generation: Redeeming the Story)

—

John Sowers is President of The Mentoring Project in Portland, Oregon. He was born in Little Rock, Arkansas. He went to and graduated from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School and Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. John’s first book, Fatherless Generation: Redeeming the Story comes out tomorrow!

—

Dwarfs, Giants and Mentors

Will Ferrell knows something about mentoring. In one of his more classic movies, Kicking and Screaming, Ferrell plays Phil Weston, a vitamin shop owner turned coach of his sons youth soccer team. Phil takes over a hapless team that not only struggles to win a game but to even score a goal. In his first practice with the team, Phil’s character decides to get to know the players a little better. As the players go around in a circle saying their names two individuals take center stage. Byong Sun, a 3 foot nothing forward on the team, and Ambrose, a freakish giant of a kid, step to center stage Phil says this: “Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up – he’s big and you might form one megaperson.” As Phil makes a humorous observation, he also touches on an idea that finds its roots all the way back to Sir Isaac Newton.

Will Ferrell and Sir Isaac Newton could not be any different, but they seem to know a thing or two about mentoring. Check out this quote from Sir Isaac Newton: “If I can see further than anyone else, it is only because I am standing on the shoulders of giants“. What a beautiful picture of mentoring.

The phrase was originally attributed to Bernard of Chartres, who use to say the “we are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size.” As many of you picture dwarfs standing on top of giants, the picture is funny in nature but beautiful in reality. Mentoring is about standing on the shoulders of someone who has been there, done that, and is now stooping over for you to jump on.

The church has a problem, there is a great shortage in both giants (mentors) and dwarfs (mentees). The rising divorce rate, over population of prisons, fatherless homes, and rise of the unemployment rate of 20 somethings are just a couple of the signs of the lack of mentoring in the church. Mentoring has been left in the church closet sitting next to the choir robes gathering dust. In its simplest form, mentoring is discipleship. But mentoring goes far beyond the word discipleship, past the Sunday school or young adult services and dives into relationships. The perfect model of mentoring is Jesus. Learning from the way Jesus invested in relationships with his disciples, crowds, and even skeptics is the perfect example of what mentoring looks like. Mentoring is about a relationship between an individual (mentor) who is farther down the road then another individual (mentees). It is a relationship that shares experiences, lessons, laughter, excitement, frustration, and most importantly life. Unfortunately, mentoring has been reduced to a “program” rather then becoming a movement.

Programs get stuck behind the four walls of a church building, they become stuck at a set time of meeting on Sunday morning. Movements are about action, they move forward, they grow and impact. The same can be said about giants (mentors) and dwarfs (mentees), they move and grow together. One thing that sticks out about giants is their height. They stand above everyone and everything. They stick out and attract people to them. What makes giants (mentors) so appealing is who they are and what they can provide. Mentors provide a chance to learn from, converse with, bounce ideas off, and share life together. But to many times the search for the giants is called off because they are no where to be found.

But the shortage is not just with the giants, the dwarfs are literally and figuratively falling short. Instead of looking for a chance to stand on others they are standing alone. As the latin metaphor nanos gigantium humeris insidentes, “One who develops future intellectual pursuits by understanding the research and works created by notable thinkers of the past,” describes the relationship between mentor and mentee and brings about the idea of the growing together in intellect and understanding. The beauty of the relationship between the giant (mentor) and the dwarf (mentee) is they both help each other. The giant provides a foundation to stand on while the dwarf provides the giant a different perspective on what they are seeing. Both serve each other in their vision and step.

The church has a problem indeed, but the church also has the chance to be apart of the solution. The solution is difficult, messy, and even confusing, but it can be found in men and women becoming giants to the ones searching for shoulders to stand upon. The solution is found in men and women humbling themselves to the idea that they are small, that they do not have it all figured out, that they need the help of others to make it through life. These are the solutions to the problem of mentoring in the church.

May the church be filled with Giants and Dwarfs who together can do far more than alone.

Kyle Reed is a connector looking to connect with others. A 20 Something that is blogging his way through life and looking to stand on the shoulder of giants. Also a team member and brand evangelist of the 8BIT Network. Kyle makes his home in St. Louis, Missouri and finds whatever excuse he can to travel. His best friend is a dog named Jack, and he drinks his coffee black. Find him on twitter: @kylelreed or read his blog http://thoughtsaboutnothing.com

Last week at Catalyst Andy Stanley said:

Managers manage to sameness, leaders lead to change.

One of my favorite quotes on management and leadership is:

Management is controlling complexities, leadership pushes towards innovation and change.

I’ve noticed a shift in church culture that has put a much greater emphasis on leadership. In reality, any organization needs both great managers and leaders. Almost all of the “big name” church conferences today are focused on leadership and the development of it. One of the most popular book genres today is leadership as well. So this isn’t only a church thing. Our culture is in love with leadership, its development, its philosophies, and its deployment.

In general I think of myself as a manager more than a leader. Part of this is necessitated by the two large ministries I help keep going week to week, but part of this is my personal focus on planning and organization. Going to church conferences that focus on leadership is always hard for me because I know it to be one of my weaker areas. My default is always to manage instead of lead. Maybe it is impossible to be both a great manager and great leader at the same time? Often I think to do one means you sacrifice some of the keys to the other. But I do acknowledge that my vision casting and leadership skills must be developed for the places in which I serve to make the next step.

So while I say all that, I also believe that the body of Christ needs excellent leaders and managers, not one or the other.

I’m not old enough to know whether the church has historically focused more on leadership instead of management, but my concern is part of our leadership focus has turned great pastor/leaders into celebrities in this small Christian sub-culture.

However, I also believe we need leaders to help push the church beyond its out-dated form of existence and into today’s world. Managers might help that take place, but leaders are the ones who get people to buy in.

Any of you leaders out there have thoughts on this?

Rose and I have had a wonderful August, as we’ve been able to get away for a few short trips. I made a small photo album on Facebook from some of our summer if you want to see.

The mentoring series starts on Wednesday, can’t wait!

Blogs

1. Twitter usage guide for Christians.
2. I kind of dig this idea of the “Epic Fail Pastors Conference.” Although, epic is an overused word, so it needs a different name.
3. The 50 most influential religious figures in American history.
4. I blogged recently about hipster Christianity, here is a post from Tony Jones that takes a very different approach to the subject.
5. Golf rules for normal golfers from Tyler Stanton.

News

• You can’t complain about traffic after you read this.
• Interesting USA Today article on studies showing a mass exodus of teens away from church.
• This can’t be good.
• It might only be preseason, but this play is amazing.

Enjoy the last bit of summer.

I especially enjoyed the format of everything fitting into one day. My previous conference experiences had always been around at least two days, and anything longer than a day and a half always felt like information overload to me.

The format allows the two speakers (Andy Stanley and Craig Groeschel) to focus on one topic and discuss it in depth. Usually when I blog about conferences I just include my favorite quotes but I thought I’d talk about my favorite part from each of the 4 sessions this time.

1. Session One, Andy Stanley, Organizational Momentum: New (not old) triggers momentum in organizations. Leaders determine whether the momentum is positive or negative. I’ll keep this in my head every time someone tells me that my church just needs to bring back something else for the church to turn around.
2. Session Two, Craig Groeschel, Mindset Changes: “God often guides with what he withholds.” & “You don’t need to always close the back door, but bless them as they go.” I’ve often thought about my church at a church in terms of how God provides in people and resources. Instead of waiting for God to provide what I think I need for success, I need to trust that God has provided exactly what I need for the present time.
3. Session Three, Craig Groeschel, Personal Spiritual Momentum: “It’s what no one sees that leads to what everybody wants.” This session was the most hard hitting for me personally. Everyone wants a pastor on fire for God, but it is the time spent with God that allows a pastor to get there. I’ve done a very poor job of doing this myself though. Something needs to change. Sacrifices need to be made.
4. Sessions Four, Andy Stanley, Leading Change: Leverage who you have, to reach who you don’t. I spend far too much of my time at my church keeping people happy or trying to inspire those inside the church, rather than reaching the people who haven’t even come close to my church.

Personal revelation/favorite quote:

“The difference between where you are and where God wants you to be is the pain you are unwilling to endure.”

Generally I think this pain is a sacrifice of self. As I look at my own life, I see too much of it focused on myself. And while the process of this sacrifice will be difficult and painful, I do truly know that I won’t be where God wants me until I make that change.

Yesterday was a rare chance to be blessed by two Godly and wise pastors. I am challenged and grateful for the opportunity

Anything stick out to you?

The supreme current example of secular songs written to and/or about God is “Awaken My Soul” by Mumford and Sons. I love the song, but I don’t know that it becomes a truly sacred worship song because of that. Easily one of my favorite songs over the last 6 months. Listen to the song in this video:

(come watch the video here RSS readers)

Liz, in her Relevant magazine article said:

“Worship music doesn’t end when the standard four-song medley ends. It’s everywhere—it’s interposed in moments of “secular” songs by “secular” bands. It’s written on the walls of bar bathrooms and shouted amongst audiences by people who may not even realize what they’re quoting—but that’s the thing. It connects with people in a vastly authentic way because it reaches a genuinely sincere feeling in the human soul. We need our God, and sometimes we try to exist without Him. And all these songs, whether written or not, are about just that” (read the full article here, emphasis mine).

I think a distinction must be made between Christian music and corporate worship music, otherwise all Christian music could also be called worship music.

With that in mind, I’m wondering what your experience has been with the use of secular songs for congregational worship. Couple quick thoughts on my end:

• I’ve always tried to avoid doing that because it often turns the attention to “oh my gosh, we’re doing a secular song right now” instead of God. And I don’t know that it is easy to avoid thinking this way.
• Does the intention of the author/band make a difference? I think so. Most songs we sing in church were written to be sung in church or at least to be sung in a time of worship. Secular songs weren’t written for that purpose. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t sing those songs, but we definitely need to be more cautious with them.

What say you?

It happened 5 years ago this week.

Driving from Anaheim to Salem (a 14 hour trip usually) with my then girlfriend, I was 30 minutes from home at 4am when I fell asleep behind the wheel.

I woke up driving through a construction zone hitting pylon after pylon of orange road barriers, only to swerve back onto the road missing a cement guard rail by a couple feet.

Those couple feet saved my life.

Little did I know how much my life would change immediately after that event. It served as a quick reminder that my life was beyond fragile and I was wasting it.

I was wasting it in a horrible relationship where I had made tons of mistakes. It was the kind of relationship that I conveniently leave out of my story quite often.

We broke up 2 weeks later and soon after that I started hanging out with the girl who would become my wife.

I never knew it standing on the side of I-5 cussing up a storm over the wrecked car before the sun had come up in late August of 2005, but God had thrust himself into my story.

Instead of hitting the cement guardrail, I was given a second chance, and those aren’t worth giving up.

—

I listened to this song as I drove by that watershed spot (Exit 238 on I-5 North, just north of Albany, Oregon) last night. It was one of those divine moments when it all clicked about what had truly happened back in 2005.

(come watch the video here RSS readers)

Here’s the chorus that struck me last night:

All this time like a vagabond
A homeless stranger, I’ve been wandering
All my life You’ve been calling me to a home
You know I’ve been needing, I’m a broken stone
So lay me in the house You’re building

I think what truly happened that morning in 2005 was more than me just getting out of a bad relationship, it was about God calling me into what He wanted to do.

I only wished I would have listened more closely to Him so I could have avoided the freak car crash.

As of right now there are 7 spots left, but I could expand the league beyond that if there are enough people who want in on the action.

We do fantasy football the whole way with individual defensive players and more players on offense than the standard league.

If you want to join, have a Yahoo account then go here.

After you register for a team, join a private league.

League ID#: 519654

Password: footballtime

The draft is Sunday night, September 5th at 7pm PST.

Of course, you should know, I draft all Vikings. It is my secret to success every year.

And yes, I am the defending the champion.

(Isn’t that picture above just awesome, I thought so too)

My in laws are in town this weekend for my father in law’s 40 year HS reunion. This time he and his old touring band are getting back together for a trip down memory lane. Read this newspaper story from Corvallis all about it.

It’s a banner week of links, lots of great stuff I read this week.

Blogs

1. This was funny and true from Adam on the phases of writing. I find myself at stage 3 quite often.
2. As someone who grew up in a pastor’s home and now works at a church, this post broke my heart because it is so true. “Death by Ministry” from Eugene Cho.
3. Great summary of the evangelical landscape we find ourselves in.
4. 3 cultural trends impacting church leadership.
5. First I read this great piece on the Ground Zero “Mosque” and appreciated its fact checking.
6. Then I read this piece on the same subject from a college prof and appreciated his thoroughness.
7. Then I saw this piece on the same subject and laughed.

News

• It is interesting how politics can meet sports sometimes.
• This year’s freshman class in college is a great example of how our younger generations are moving away from email because it is too slow.
• This was the sunset I watched on my run earlier this week. It was amazing.
• Great example of how we often think the worst of others in social media.
• Sure, Rex Ryan is a great NFL coach, but the guy is a disaster when it comes to doing things the right way.

Feel free to comment with thoughts on any of the links.

Have a great weekend.

I’m sure to some, the changes that have taken place in the recent past are a shock, but to me it was just a piece on the reality of life I see so many of my friends sifting through.

It is a long article. It took me about 25 minutes to read, but it is well worth it if you have any desire to understand people who are in their 20s.

The article does get into why 20-somethings are taking longer to get careers, jobs, spouses…essentially answer the question of why they are taking so long to grow up. In my experience people my age are “growing up” differently or later because of several reasons:

• A college education barely gets you interview, much less a solid career type job. Just about everyone gets a bachelors degree now. Almost all of my friends from college and high school are doing nothing related to their field of study in college.
• People aren’t going to college to get married, so they marry much, much later than 22. Obviously I’m not a great example of that. However, of all my close friends in high school and college, only 1 is married. Marriage forces you to grow up or get divorced.
• Because of articles like this, it is now socially acceptable to be have nothing going at the age of 25 or even later. Lack of expectations and accountability to strive for something more, something deeper, plays a big part in this.

Here’s 2 quotes from 2 separate people in their mid-20s from the article:

“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to  think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get  somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take  risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially  responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in  love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’  When is there time to just be and enjoy?”

Adds a 24-year-old from  Virginia: “There is pressure to make decisions that will form the  foundation for the rest of your life in your 20s. It’s almost as if  having a range of limited options would be easier.”

People debate whether this funk 20-somethings in today’s culture find themselves in is really a new life stage that has developed or whether they just need to have some more motivation for life. But the reality is that this is where people like me and my friends find ourselves: searching for the marrow of life.

The implications for the church are many, but the biggest is that the traditional church approach to have a college ministry that leads into a marriage ministry no longer applies. In fact, I don’t think we have fully realized how to effectively minister to people in their 20s who find themselves going through this struggle.

I can tell you this, it takes more than a one hour service on a Sunday morning.