It’s a common argument many have made: Jesus is sweet, but Christians, and the churches full of them, are lame.

Not long ago a video made the rounds nearly everywhere that explained why a relationship was better than religion. It was another jab on the church and a plus one for Jesus.

On the one hand this seemingly common understanding of Christianity should cause Christians and churches to reflect on how they can be more like this Jesus people are drawn to, while on the other hand we must also recognize Jesus and his bride are not so easily separated.

I wanted to share this video with you because it represents a much healthier way of seeing how relationship, religion, Jesus, Christians, and the church blend together without having to build walls around the parts we like or don’t like.

Do you love Jesus and dislike the church? Why? Why not?

Once you can buy this car then you’ve arrived. Once you get married, then you’ll be happy. Once you become the key leader in your organization, then you’ll be important. Once you get a raise, then you’ll be living the life you always wanted.

These are the lies we stretch ourselves to believe everyday. They’re the lies of “arrival”—once you do this one thing then you will be “there,” wherever “there” is. But is arriving somewhere the goal we should have in mind?

I published my first book 9 months ago. Clearly that makes me a big deal. Just about every blogger puts “hope to publish a book someday” on their about page. So the fact that I checked that off my list is quite the feat to many. If you want to become famous, write a book. Or so the perfect storyline goes.

Since then I’ve never had a stranger ask me for my autograph. I’ve never had teenage girls ask me to follow them on Twitter because that “wud b gr8st thing eva” (I haven’t quite made the Belieber level yet). I’ve never been stopped in the airport because someone recognized me. Oh and I’ve never had people drive by my house just to say they took a picture of it.

If my goal in publishing a book was to become a household name, imagine how much of a let down the last 9 months would have been?

But then there’s friends of mine who became well known from their published writing. In the eyes of many around them, they “arrived.” Speaking at conferences. Traveling every week. People asking for autographs. And they weren’t happy. It wasn’t enough. They were busy crafting the next landing spot to arrive at because the last one no longer satisfied.

And this is the danger of arrival. Arriving is a like a drug we can never get enough of. We plant a flag in the ground at some future achievement but it never brings everything we wished it would. These places of arrival are mirages in a desert wasteland, telling us of all the riches that await further down the road. We may end up further down the road, but the riches either vanish or can’t quench our thirst.

I think you should never aim at arriving somewhere. Sure you can have goals, but they should always remain grounded in your contentment with the present.

It’s easy to worship the future. It’s much harder to dream with open hands, asking God to provide while thanking him for what he already has provided.

Don’t aim for arrival, aim for stewardship in the present.

RIP. Rest in peace.

It’s a common cultural thing to say “rest in peace” to the dead as a way of saying goodbye. I honestly don’t even think we know what it means, it’s just commonplace so people say it. And honestly, I’d like to see it go away.

Is it a declarative statement? Are we saying it as a hopeful wish? Are we worried they may not be at peace?

(For those curious, the phrase originates from Latin and is often used as prayer for the deceased that God would grant them peace)

What the cultural acceptance of the phrase shows is a lack of clarity regarding death. I have two main struggles with this phrase:

First, we don’t really understand death, and we don’t know what to say when someone dies, so we just say what everyone else has said: RIP. It’s easier to be a parrot than it is to consider what our words actually mean.

From the perspective of someone who does not believe in Jesus this makes total sense. They aren’t sure about the eternal destiny of the deceased. They lack any sort of clarity regarding what the next step of the person will look like. Heaven? Hell? Some type of of reincarnation? Who knows.

But I don’t approach the subject of death from a “who knows” perspective. I don’t have fear about the death of my grandpa and many other friends who have passed before him. I know where they are. I know they are at peace. I know they are with the One they always wanted to be with.

Second, the phrase “rest in peace” removes us from the dead. I believe death is a communal event where the dead continue living through us. RIP is an isolating phrase that doesn’t invite the community support of friends and family into the grieving process with us.

You can offer others much hope in death without ever using the phrase “RIP.” Your words surrounding death have the power to bring so much life to the grieving. Don’t settle for a lazy phrase lacking meaning. Bring hope. Bring life.

Spend time thinking about death, because in seeing the end you are able to live in the present more faithfully.

Let’s do this. Let’s put an end to the common phrase, “rest in peace.”

I’m a perfect example of someone who did all the right things in my relationships. I prayed with girlfriends, I did my best to center our relationship around God, and I always had the physical boundaries talk with them. But I couldn’t stick with the boundaries. I always found a way to get into a situation that rendered all my best laid plans powerless. I want you to do better.

When I talk with couples they have typically thought about boundaries and I typically find them to be appropriate. I’m no boundaries hawk though. When Rose and I were dating, a pastor told me I shouldn’t touch Rose’s leg because it would cause me to stumble. I didn’t listen to him.

Some boundaries are so strict they hold the relationship back from natural desires of sharing affection. I also knew where our weak areas were and touching her knee wasn’t an issue. I do, however, understand why the pastor was concerned. Once one line is crossed, the next barrier falls more easily and you quickly move far beyond your intended boundaries without meaning to. “It all happened so fast” is a common phrase because boundaries are often seen not as barriers but as hurdles.

After talking with the man, woman, or couple, I always tell them boundaries aren’t enough. It’s not enough to tell someone you shouldn’t do this or that. The boundaries I helped put in place for my relationships, I broke 100% of the time. Boundaries hardly ever work if they stand on their own.

So the question I always ask after I hear their stated boundaries is, how do you plan to accomplish following those boundaries? Do you have any spacial boundaries in mind to help you follow your physical boundaries?

*blank stares*

“Tyler, what you mean?”

I respond by saying, “the boundaries are great, but what happens when the movie gets boring and you’re both under the same blanket, alone, in a dark room? What happens when he touches your leg further up than you’re used to? How do you plan to follow your boundaries then? Because self control doesn’t always cut it.”

Then begins the real conversation about boundaries. Boundaries are great, as along as you know how you plan to be held accountable to them.

So if you’re dating someone and you haven’t talked about boundaries, have that conversation. Or if you’re like me and you spend time with couples who are dating, encourage them to take these steps. Walk alongside them closely enough to help them see how mere boundaries are not enough. If there is a marriage epidemic going on in the world, one of the best ways to change it is by caring for couples before they’re married.

If you’re dating and you’ve set some boundaries, have the harder conversation of figuring out how to follow them. You need spacial boundaries to succeed with your physical boundaries.

A few ideas:

• Don’t be alone.
• Don’t lay down next to each other.
• Don’t turn off the lights when you’re alone.

The idea with this type of spacial boundary is to avoid a situation where you can lose control. If you’re strict with these kinds of spacial boundaries, then your physical boundaries will become much easier to follow. It’s human nature to want to push boundaries, but setting barriers around your boundaries will help you avoid giving into the heat of the moment.

Boundaries can be followed, but only if you put yourself in a situation for them to work.

I went into the argument with a “win-at-all-costs” mentality. Winning a disagreement was the only way I knew how to disagree, but what I lost wasn’t worth the victory. I said plenty of things I didn’t mean. As the saying goes, “I won the battle, but lost the war.” And lost a great friend in the process. We haven’t spoken since.

I may have won the debate, but it wasn’t worth the cost.

We’re never going to agree with everyone we come in contact with, but we must learn how to disagree in a way that honors Christ and His body.

Disagreement is an increasing norm in our lives, but we’re marginally equipped. It’s much easier to post disparaging remarks on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and news articles. Digital disagreement allows us to hide behind a screen.

Just take a sampling of the Christian blogosphere, where heated debates on who gets into heaven, the biblical role of women and gay marriage, just to name a few, are commonplace. Spend time scrolling through comments where any of these discussions take place and you’ll immediately lose your faith in humanity.

All of this painfully illuminates the question: Why can’t Christians disagree well? Why are we so comfortable tarnishing the name of Jesus—whom we all call “Lord”—just so we can win the argument?

Christians spend much of their time focused on how to engage the un-Christian world around them—and rightfully so. Yet in doing so, we sometimes lose our ability to navigate conversations and relationships with our own brothers and sisters.

**Read the rest of today’s post over at RELEVANT Magazine**

One of those friends is Karen. She wrote back with one sentence, “Tyler, let’s talk about this on the phone.” And then she left her phone number.

So I called Karen.

This is where the story should surprise you. Karen is a successful author and writer. She’s written numerous books. A few years ago she started reading my blog for a reason I’ll never begin to understand. Authors are busy people. I know few who go out of their way to make time and space for an unknown writer like myself. And they definitely don’t give out their phone numbers.

Ok, back to the story. I remember all the details about our conversation on the phone. I remember the stereotypical gray clouds covering Portland. I remember the crisp breeze of the cool air on an early summer evening. I even opened the living room windows. Normally I like to trap the heat inside our house, but on this night I had the nervous sweats and cool air kept me from pitting out. It’s not everyday you call a great writer and ask questions. At times I paced around the living room. At times I sat on the couch and laid flat so I could listen more intently.

Somehow we remember all the details that accompany conversations that change our lives. It’s as if our minds know to remember the details because what’s happening is important.

Karen spoke to me for 90 minutes. Most authors won’t give you 9 seconds of their time. Karen gave me her entire evening.

Karen gave me two gifts in that conversation—two gifts I’ll never forget: space and encouragement. Space to ask questions. Space to voice uncertainties. Encouragement that I could do this. Encouragement that pushed my writing to where it is today.

As I wrestled over whether this opportunity to write a book was something God had placed in front of me or one of those opportunities I needed to let fade away, Karen said, “Tyler, you can write a book. The question is whether you sense you are supposed to.”

From that point forward I changed my mindset. No longer was the question, “am I good enough?” The question now was “how can I make an impact?” My mindset shifted away from being scared to being called. All because one woman made an effort to bless me.

These gifts of space and encouragement directly changed the trajectory of my life.

Why do I share this story?

We need more Karens! Actually let me rephrase. We need you to be like Karen! When I say “we need more Karens” that creates the idea that we should be on the lookout for other people who can reach out to bless us. But that’s not actually what we need.

We need you become like Karen. Looking for others. Sacrificing some time, energy, space, and encouragement to change the trajectory of someone else’s life.

I think we get these opportunities everyday. We’re just good about coming up with lame excuses that justify our inept care for others.

People all around are looking for you to be that one person who can change the trajectory of their lives.

Have you ever had a conversation that changed your life?

We don’t become less flawed through healing, but we can be free.

Several years ago I made a great number of big mistakes. I took ownership of them but I refused to let anyone into my pain because I knew that would only cause more pain. In this shame-filled world I was unable to see what the future could hold. All the while God was still up to his redemptive purposes, but I never saw the potential of those in my life. The pain was blinding.

The movie/play Les Miserables begins by following the life of Jean Valjean. He’s imprisoned for trying to help keep a starving child alive, but eventually he begins to see himself as a prisoner—worthless to society. He’s lost the ability to see what he was, is, and could become. After serving his time he stays with a priest, only to steal a few precious items from the priest. His sheltered life blinds him to the great possibilities of the future.

But this is where the story flips.

Jean Valjean is given new life by the priest. The priest helps Valjean see beyond the life of abuse and pain he’s cornered himself into. The priest tells the police Valjean should have taken more items than he did and then blesses him.

In the story the priest is a picture of the God who sees our lives beyond the present struggle.

Here’s a truth often missed when life is always a battle of dealing with mistakes, hurts, and abuses:

The pain from the past never outweighs the potential of the future. (tweet this?)

This is what I could not see during the months and years after my mistakes and self-inflicted wounds. This is what Jean Valjean could not see after being released from prison.

It’s a lie from the enemy that your life has no redemptive value. “This is it,” we tell ourselves, “there’s nothing better to come of this.” The truth is, through Christ the future always has immense potential.

In the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and immediately realize they are naked. So they hide. It’s a human impulse to hide when we mess up. We don’t want others to smell the stench of our filth. Subsequently, we begin to live with blind eyes.

The story of Jean Valjean, along with Adam and Eve, are cautionary tales for us. It’s so easy to get sucked into the sheltered life where we refuse to see all God has set ahead of us.

Often what we need is the reminder that this is not the end. Your current reality is not a forever sentence. It’s only the present and it has no bearing on what God could accomplish in the next moment. By living with this frame of mind we begin to open our hearts to the God who was always at work. He didn’t leave, we just built high walls around our lives.

St. Francis of Assisi says, “Above all the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.” I think part of this overcoming self is taking our lives out from under the shelter, climbing the tall walls of the fortress we’ve hid behind, just to get a glimpse of the horizon. Hope is compelling to even the most wounded person.

When you let the love of God behind shelter of walls you’ve built, you eliminate the power of the hurt and pain that held their grip on your life for far too long.

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The artwork in this post is a #secretmessage created by the artist Messy Canvas. Use this 10% off coupon code (MANOFDEPRAVITY) in her Etsy store to let her create a personalized 5×5 secretmessage for you. Take advantage of this great offer from Mandy.

Also, this is a subject I wrote about at length in my book. If you don’t have a copy yet, make it happen!

One problem: most often you’re not making a difference.

A few months ago I gave a talk that I thought went pretty well. People seemed to laugh at the jokes, nodded at my exhortation, and thanked me on the way out. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.

I developed my idea, built to a final point, and did so with positive and negative examples. But I think I missed the mark. Not that people couldn’t have left without being impacted. Not that a number of people were greatly challenged by the words I shared.

I missed an opportunity to bring more people along for the ride.

Here’s why:

Until people know why the thing you’re sharing makes a difference in their lives, they’ll rarely follow through with what you tell them.

My message that day was on leadership. I think I handled the topic well by landing on the idea that leaders need to follow before they lead. And for those people who view themselves as leaders I think I made an impact.

The problem is most people don’t view themselves as leaders. Sure they might be parents, or they may have small areas in life where they have some jurisdiction over others. But, by and large, most people enjoy being followers.

I spent a total of 4 sentences in my entire talk helping people to see why this message was important. And that’s simply not enough.

Essentially what I did was as silly as giving a message on playing basketball to a room full of baseball players. Some overarching themes will connect because they’re athletes, but a massive opportunity was missed because I made no effort to help baseball players see why this message on basketball made a difference for them.

My approach when it comes to speaking, writing, or consultation is typically that I have something I want to present to others. This isn’t all bad. My experiences have given me some expertise in certain areas. But it’s also a self-centered way to present an idea.

This kind of presentation looks at ideas in a mirror instead of reaching out to open the front door. And presentations are typically like this. The problem is they’re presenter-centered, instead of audience-centered. In this type of message the ideas make all the difference in the world for you, but they have a hard time getting into others. This is true whether you present a message to two people or two thousand.

Instead, why not approach a presentation of ideas with this mindset: “I want this to make a difference in someone’s life so I’m going to help others see why it can make a difference first.”

No longer is the goal to present your ideas well. That becomes a secondary goal. The initial goal is to do everything you can to make a difference for others.

Generally speaking, people will listen to what you have to say. They’ll also get something out of what you share if you spend time putting together worthwhile thoughts. But think of all the missed opportunities there are because you never helped people see why what you share is important. This relates to speaking, writing, leading, etc.

Reach them before you reach yourself.

Everyday each of you have the chance to paint a picture for others. Make sure you take the time to help them see why the painting can make a difference for them.

Everyone has some level of conflict in their lives, but what if your conflict isn’t exciting? What if the conflict in your life isn’t worth sharing? What if it isn’t exciting enough for a movie?

Is your story less important if it’s boring?

These are the questions I’ve been wrestling with for nearly two months. Over those months I’ve landed on several different answers, but none seemed to capture the truth adequately.

The past 7 weeks have been the longest, hardest, most stretching of my entire life. 7 weeks ago this past Monday Rose and I welcomed our son Judah into the world. Sparing you all the details, he’s been through just about everything a little boy can go through at his age: several medical procedures, breast feeding issues galore, stomach pains, and lately some new mouth issues from thrush (thrush comes from yeast in mom and it’s something that’s been an ongoing issue).

The conflict in this part of my story is trying to raise a child well. Hard to believe this would be harder than writing a book, but it is.

This conflict isn’t particularly exciting. It’s mentally exhausting for me, but I doubt it connects with an audience on a meaningful level. In fact just calling it a conflict makes me look weak because in reality I have a healthy baby boy, so I should buck up and deal with the small issues instead of whining about them. If this part of my story was a movie it would be incredibly boring.

I prefer for life to stay exciting. I like to have something big on the horizon of life that I can set my eyes on every day. I like to dream big. I love to introduce conflict into my story because I know it makes me a better person. But all this is on hold at the moment. Each day is about survival and trying to take some positive steps forward so tomorrow can be just a bit better. It’s not how I envisioned parenthood but it has been the reality.

Through all this I’ve come to some temporary conclusions regarding story, conflict, and living a life worth telling others about:

A story doesn’t have to be exciting for it to be worth living. (tweet this?)

It’s easy to get down on your life because your story isn’t shared thousands of times on Facebook. The minute you start to value the affirmation of others over the quiet work of God within you is the same minute you’re enslaved to their praise.

A story doesn’t need a market value to have life-changing worth to you. (tweet this?)

Our culture is slowing getting suckered into believing the lie that a life worth sharing is the only life worth living. We start to view life through a lens of what people will like or share. We start to form thoughts into 140 character tweets. This isn’t to say that sharing life is bad, but when we only seek out the sharable parts of life, we miss out on a huge section of life where God is at work but we refuse to go.

It’s with these two ideas in mind that I’m continuing to pour myself into the conflict at hand. It isn’t sexy. I won’t be writing a best-selling book about it. But to not engage it means I miss out on moments like this. And to miss out is to miss everything.

Yes, boring stories are worth telling, even if you’re the only one listening.

Your response?

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Tyler: I know many who would consider themselves to be artistic but they think they lack the skills within their craft to make “good art.” Is there any substitute for putting in the time and energy in developing a craft?

Tyler: What dreadful news, I’ve long wished for an easier way but never found it. You are a very eclectic artist. You have done quite a bit of acting, both stage and screen. You are now a creative director for a church. And you’ve also written a book. Do you ever wonder if specializing would lead to a break through of some kind? Or is dabbling in a little of this and a little of that what keeps you hungry for more?

Blaine: What’s interesting is that I believe if I hadn’t made a change when I did, I would have absolutely destroyed myself. I needed to start doing some other things where I wasn’t the primary product. In fact, I think I’ve made more revelations about my story and the art I should be making by trying a number of different things instead of just sticking with one medium.

1. What story do we want to tell?

Sometimes that is a film, sometimes that is something entirely different. If I hadn’t tried the various mediums, I’m not sure I would believe in the process above.

Tyler: We’re both involved at churches. What have you learned about being creative within a church context?

I also feel like we should look at our roles as dual. Artists to who make art in and out of the church. If you aren’t doing both, I think you’re missing something key to connecting to culture and creating works of art that truly resonate.

Tyler: As a creative type person who is firmly entrenched in the local church my biggest struggle is making creative things understandable for left-brained oriented people. I could come up with examples but I’m sure you get what I’m saying because you already mentioned how you want to push boundaries. How do you push those boundaries and still bring people (as many as possible) along in the story you’re telling?

How do you make art that lots and lots of people like without comprising something? I think there is a sense with some of us that if it connects with a lot of people that we somehow sold out, but in fact, telling a story that many people can connect to simply means you told a really good story.

Toward the end of his talk someone asked about agenda and his response I believe is relevant to what you’re asking. He said, “We don’t think about agenda; we’re just trying to tell good stories that will be moving.”

There has to be a third way to this conversation of creating art for right or left-brained people and I believe the conversation needs to be cloaked in what Matthew is trying to tell us. You want to tell art and stories that the most amount of people will enjoy or “get?” Then work to tell good stories that are moving.

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