It’s a common argument many have made: Jesus is sweet, but Christians, and the churches full of them, are lame.

Not long ago a video made the rounds nearly everywhere that explained why a relationship was better than religion. It was another jab on the church and a plus one for Jesus.

On the one hand this seemingly common understanding of Christianity should cause Christians and churches to reflect on how they can be more like this Jesus people are drawn to, while on the other hand we must also recognize Jesus and his bride are not so easily separated.

I wanted to share this video with you because it represents a much healthier way of seeing how relationship, religion, Jesus, Christians, and the church blend together without having to build walls around the parts we like or don’t like.

Do you love Jesus and dislike the church? Why? Why not?

Once you can buy this car then you’ve arrived. Once you get married, then you’ll be happy. Once you become the key leader in your organization, then you’ll be important. Once you get a raise, then you’ll be living the life you always wanted.

These are the lies we stretch ourselves to believe everyday. They’re the lies of “arrival”—once you do this one thing then you will be “there,” wherever “there” is. But is arriving somewhere the goal we should have in mind?

I published my first book 9 months ago. Clearly that makes me a big deal. Just about every blogger puts “hope to publish a book someday” on their about page. So the fact that I checked that off my list is quite the feat to many. If you want to become famous, write a book. Or so the perfect storyline goes.

Since then I’ve never had a stranger ask me for my autograph. I’ve never had teenage girls ask me to follow them on Twitter because that “wud b gr8st thing eva” (I haven’t quite made the Belieber level yet). I’ve never been stopped in the airport because someone recognized me. Oh and I’ve never had people drive by my house just to say they took a picture of it.

If my goal in publishing a book was to become a household name, imagine how much of a let down the last 9 months would have been?

But then there’s friends of mine who became well known from their published writing. In the eyes of many around them, they “arrived.” Speaking at conferences. Traveling every week. People asking for autographs. And they weren’t happy. It wasn’t enough. They were busy crafting the next landing spot to arrive at because the last one no longer satisfied.

And this is the danger of arrival. Arriving is a like a drug we can never get enough of. We plant a flag in the ground at some future achievement but it never brings everything we wished it would. These places of arrival are mirages in a desert wasteland, telling us of all the riches that await further down the road. We may end up further down the road, but the riches either vanish or can’t quench our thirst.

I think you should never aim at arriving somewhere. Sure you can have goals, but they should always remain grounded in your contentment with the present.

It’s easy to worship the future. It’s much harder to dream with open hands, asking God to provide while thanking him for what he already has provided.

Don’t aim for arrival, aim for stewardship in the present.

I see it all over Facebook and Twitter each time someone famous dies. In recent weeks two well-known Christian authors passed away (Brennan Manning and Dallas Willard) and I saw countless comments using the phrase. I hear it after someone at church passes. I heard it many, many times after my grandpa passed away: “May he rest in peace.”

RIP. Rest in peace.

It’s a common cultural thing to say “rest in peace” to the dead as a way of saying goodbye. I honestly don’t even think we know what it means, it’s just commonplace so people say it. And honestly, I’d like to see it go away.

Is it a declarative statement? Are we saying it as a hopeful wish? Are we worried they may not be at peace?

(For those curious, the phrase originates from Latin and is often used as prayer for the deceased that God would grant them peace)

What the cultural acceptance of the phrase shows is a lack of clarity regarding death. I have two main struggles with this phrase:

First, we don’t really understand death, and we don’t know what to say when someone dies, so we just say what everyone else has said: RIP. It’s easier to be a parrot than it is to consider what our words actually mean.

From the perspective of someone who does not believe in Jesus this makes total sense. They aren’t sure about the eternal destiny of the deceased. They lack any sort of clarity regarding what the next step of the person will look like. Heaven? Hell? Some type of of reincarnation? Who knows.

But I don’t approach the subject of death from a “who knows” perspective. I don’t have fear about the death of my grandpa and many other friends who have passed before him. I know where they are. I know they are at peace. I know they are with the One they always wanted to be with.

Second, the phrase “rest in peace” removes us from the dead. I believe death is a communal event where the dead continue living through us. RIP is an isolating phrase that doesn’t invite the community support of friends and family into the grieving process with us.

You can offer others much hope in death without ever using the phrase “RIP.” Your words surrounding death have the power to bring so much life to the grieving. Don’t settle for a lazy phrase lacking meaning. Bring hope. Bring life.

Spend time thinking about death, because in seeing the end you are able to live in the present more faithfully.

Let’s do this. Let’s put an end to the common phrase, “rest in peace.”

I spend a lot of time with men and women who are in dating relationships. Once a new dating relationship begins I usually cut to the chase and find out if they have any boundaries in mind for the physical part of that relationship. I ask them about this I think boundaries are important for Christians to consider.

I’m a perfect example of someone who did all the right things in my relationships. I prayed with girlfriends, I did my best to center our relationship around God, and I always had the physical boundaries talk with them. But I couldn’t stick with the boundaries. I always found a way to get into a situation that rendered all my best laid plans powerless. I want you to do better.

When I talk with couples they have typically thought about boundaries and I typically find them to be appropriate. I’m no boundaries hawk though. When Rose and I were dating, a pastor told me I shouldn’t touch Rose’s leg because it would cause me to stumble. I didn’t listen to him.

Some boundaries are so strict they hold the relationship back from natural desires of sharing affection. I also knew where our weak areas were and touching her knee wasn’t an issue. I do, however, understand why the pastor was concerned. Once one line is crossed, the next barrier falls more easily and you quickly move far beyond your intended boundaries without meaning to. “It all happened so fast” is a common phrase because boundaries are often seen not as barriers but as hurdles.

After talking with the man, woman, or couple, I always tell them boundaries aren’t enough. It’s not enough to tell someone you shouldn’t do this or that. The boundaries I helped put in place for my relationships, I broke 100% of the time. Boundaries hardly ever work if they stand on their own.

So the question I always ask after I hear their stated boundaries is, how do you plan to accomplish following those boundaries? Do you have any spacial boundaries in mind to help you follow your physical boundaries?

*blank stares*

“Tyler, what you mean?”

I respond by saying, “the boundaries are great, but what happens when the movie gets boring and you’re both under the same blanket, alone, in a dark room? What happens when he touches your leg further up than you’re used to? How do you plan to follow your boundaries then? Because self control doesn’t always cut it.”

Then begins the real conversation about boundaries. Boundaries are great, as along as you know how you plan to be held accountable to them.

So if you’re dating someone and you haven’t talked about boundaries, have that conversation. Or if you’re like me and you spend time with couples who are dating, encourage them to take these steps. Walk alongside them closely enough to help them see how mere boundaries are not enough. If there is a marriage epidemic going on in the world, one of the best ways to change it is by caring for couples before they’re married.

If you’re dating and you’ve set some boundaries, have the harder conversation of figuring out how to follow them. You need spacial boundaries to succeed with your physical boundaries.

A few ideas:

• Don’t be alone.
• Don’t lay down next to each other.
• Don’t turn off the lights when you’re alone.

The idea with this type of spacial boundary is to avoid a situation where you can lose control. If you’re strict with these kinds of spacial boundaries, then your physical boundaries will become much easier to follow. It’s human nature to want to push boundaries, but setting barriers around your boundaries will help you avoid giving into the heat of the moment.

Boundaries can be followed, but only if you put yourself in a situation for them to work.

Several years ago, I got into a debate with a close friend and the conversation went quickly south. What began as a discussion about our theological and political differences ended up in a shouting match in which each person’s character was called into question.

I went into the argument with a “win-at-all-costs” mentality. Winning a disagreement was the only way I knew how to disagree, but what I lost wasn’t worth the victory. I said plenty of things I didn’t mean. As the saying goes, “I won the battle, but lost the war.” And lost a great friend in the process. We haven’t spoken since.

I may have won the debate, but it wasn’t worth the cost.

We’re never going to agree with everyone we come in contact with, but we must learn how to disagree in a way that honors Christ and His body.

Disagreement is an increasing norm in our lives, but we’re marginally equipped. It’s much easier to post disparaging remarks on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and news articles. Digital disagreement allows us to hide behind a screen.

Just take a sampling of the Christian blogosphere, where heated debates on who gets into heaven, the biblical role of women and gay marriage, just to name a few, are commonplace. Spend time scrolling through comments where any of these discussions take place and you’ll immediately lose your faith in humanity.

All of this painfully illuminates the question: Why can’t Christians disagree well? Why are we so comfortable tarnishing the name of Jesus—whom we all call “Lord”—just so we can win the argument?

Christians spend much of their time focused on how to engage the un-Christian world around them—and rightfully so. Yet in doing so, we sometimes lose our ability to navigate conversations and relationships with our own brothers and sisters.

**Read the rest of today’s post over at RELEVANT Magazine**

Email is a bad form of communication but I rely on it. Email is a bad form of communication because it’s incredibly stale. It lacks personal connection. A year ago I sent an email to 10 friends of mine who are prominent writers and/or authors. I heard back from 2 of those friends. I’m not mad at the other 8, mostly impressed by the 2.

One of those friends is Karen. She wrote back with one sentence, “Tyler, let’s talk about this on the phone.” And then she left her phone number.

So I called Karen.

This is where the story should surprise you. Karen is a successful author and writer. She’s written numerous books. A few years ago she started reading my blog for a reason I’ll never begin to understand. Authors are busy people. I know few who go out of their way to make time and space for an unknown writer like myself. And they definitely don’t give out their phone numbers.

Ok, back to the story. I remember all the details about our conversation on the phone. I remember the stereotypical gray clouds covering Portland. I remember the crisp breeze of the cool air on an early summer evening. I even opened the living room windows. Normally I like to trap the heat inside our house, but on this night I had the nervous sweats and cool air kept me from pitting out. It’s not everyday you call a great writer and ask questions. At times I paced around the living room. At times I sat on the couch and laid flat so I could listen more intently.

Somehow we remember all the details that accompany conversations that change our lives. It’s as if our minds know to remember the details because what’s happening is important.

Karen spoke to me for 90 minutes. Most authors won’t give you 9 seconds of their time. Karen gave me her entire evening.

Karen gave me two gifts in that conversation—two gifts I’ll never forget: space and encouragement. Space to ask questions. Space to voice uncertainties. Encouragement that I could do this. Encouragement that pushed my writing to where it is today.

As I wrestled over whether this opportunity to write a book was something God had placed in front of me or one of those opportunities I needed to let fade away, Karen said, “Tyler, you can write a book. The question is whether you sense you are supposed to.”

From that point forward I changed my mindset. No longer was the question, “am I good enough?” The question now was “how can I make an impact?” My mindset shifted away from being scared to being called. All because one woman made an effort to bless me.

These gifts of space and encouragement directly changed the trajectory of my life.

Why do I share this story?

We need more Karens! Actually let me rephrase. We need you to be like Karen! When I say “we need more Karens” that creates the idea that we should be on the lookout for other people who can reach out to bless us. But that’s not actually what we need.

We need you become like Karen. Looking for others. Sacrificing some time, energy, space, and encouragement to change the trajectory of someone else’s life.

I think we get these opportunities everyday. We’re just good about coming up with lame excuses that justify our inept care for others.

People all around are looking for you to be that one person who can change the trajectory of their lives.

Have you ever had a conversation that changed your life?